Ch 01

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Azeroth…
One fine day…
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    The armored figure ran his hands through his long, wildly placed white hair and put his helmet back in place.  He checked his armor’s fastenings and quickly ran his immense sword over a sharpening stone a few times, just to be sure.  He concentrated, feeling the light healing magics he controlled flowing through him, and stroked his long white beard. 

    He was ready. 

    He went out to join the others, the gathered humans, night elves, draenei, dwarves, and gnomes milling about, listening to the leader of the group.  He had little eye for the blasted, battered lands around them.  For he was a man of action.  He was a man who wanted nothing more than to fight the dread monsters lurking within this enchanted volcano. 

    He was Leeroy Jenkins.  Heroic warrior paladin.  Lover of chicken. 

    “Okay, everyone here?” the draenei leader of the group said.  After various sounds of affirmation, which were punctuated by a roar from the monster in the next room.  The leader of the group sighed, scratching a horn with one taloned finger, and coughed, clearing her throat. 

    “Okay folks. A new monster has taken over the Molten Core, overthrowing Ragnaros.  It’s draining a lot of energy for some purpose, and stopping it isn’t going to be easy.  But we’ve managed to organize a fairly good strategy to do it.  The problem is, we may end up taking heavy losses from it…” said the draenei leader.  She sighed, and continued to speak, detailing rather advanced tactics. 

    Leeroy tuned most of it out, except for the parts where his name was mentioned.  He hated strategy meetings.  They were just so BORING…  He just wanted to go in and fight.  But after the last few times he had gone in on his own, he and the others with him had been butchered.  Each time they needed to wait until a powerful party with several priests came along to resurrect them.  His teammates had made it very clear to him that if he screwed up again, he’d be fed to the Horde PERSONALLY.

    “Okay, everyone got their roles down?” asked the draenei leader.  There were various affirmative noises.  The draenei leader’s head tentacles flicked, and she sighed.  “Okay.  Before we begin, I want to run a few calculations on our odds, some probability statistics, that sort of thing… Any objections?”

    Leeroy choked, praying to every god and demon he could think of, including the Lich King himself, that they nays outnumbered the ayes.  He wanted to go kill stuff!  He even actually liked this plan!  (The parts he had been paying attention to anyway.)

    No one other than Leeroy himself said no.  Leeroy groaned inwardly, fighting the urge to just run away screaming.  He hated numbers more than he hated planning.  He looked around, hoping at the very least someone had brought snacks…

    There was nothing to do but wait.

    For what seemed like hours to Leeroy, but was actually just a few seconds, the draenei leader and a few others crunched some numbers, working out the odds of their success. 

    Finally, after 30 seconds of sitting through the Evil Mathematicalness, he couldn’t take it anymore. 

    “Times up!” he bellowed, “Let’s DO IT!  LEEEEEERRROOOOOYYYY JEEEEEENKIIIINNNSSS!!!!”

    Waving his sword wildly, he ran into the cavern, which some of the draenei Shamans promptly sealed behind him.  The draenei leader smirked. 

    “And that, my friends,” she said, “is how you get rid of a moron.”

    As Leeroy ran into the chamber, he noticed two things.  One, no one had followed him in this time.  And two, the only things in this cavern were a bunch of Undead Warlocks and a recording device that was broadcasting the roaring. 

    “Well, crud,” Leeroy said.

    “Your comrades send their regards, Mr. Jenkins.  As well as their fond wishes for your demise in whatever dimension you end up in after we banish you,” said the head warlock. 

    Leeroy huffed indignantly.  “They payed you to take me out?”

    The warlock nodded, chuckling. 

    Leeroy snorted angrily.  “I never liked any of them anyway.  They all talked too much and acted too little.  Now let’s DO IT! LEEEROOOY JEEENKIIINS!”

    He raised his sword and charged the group of Horde Warlocks.

    He quite literally ran into the banishment spell they cast.

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A forest in the Orange League…
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    Former Capital League Combat Tamer Robert Remus, who used to go by the name Sgt. Slaughter while in the prime of his career, stalked through the underbrush.  The muscle-bound man with the pencil thin mustache hacked his way through the plantlife, his ice-blue eyes looking carefully around him beneath the mirrored sunglasses he wore.  He listened to the sounds of the forest around him, dismissing everything that didn’t pertain to his target.  His fingers drifted carefully to a Pokéball at his belt, looking for his target.  He twitched, hearing a slight shifting from the bushes behind him.  He whirled, only to see a combat knife embedded in the tree behind him. 

    A trick… he thought.  He whirled, but it was far too late.  His target had found him.

    “GOTCHA!” said the Woodmouse as she leaped down from the tree that had concealed her, tackling Robert and knocking him to the dirt. 

    “Oof!” Robert grunted, the wind rushing from his lungs as the pretty mousegirl knocked him down.  She smirked at him, her dark, brown-and-black fur dyed with dark green patches.  Her smallish bust was held in a camouflage tank top, her slender but muscular legs in baggy camouflage pants and combat boots.   Her short, dark hair was bound in a bun. 

    “You lose again, master,” the Woodmouse said, chuckling and poking Robert in the nose. 

    “Well,” he said, his voice sounding like rough gravel, “You have to admit, though, I’m getting better.  Right Alundra?”

    The Woodmouse giggled.  “Yeah, yeah, but if you want to earn your certification to be an instructor at one of the boot camps, you have to be better than that!”

    “Yeah yeah yeah…” Robert said, Alundra helping him up off the ground, “Did you find a place for us to camp tonight?”

    Alundra nodded, smiling.  “There’s a clearing not far from here.  It’s got some good places for camouflage, and there’s some wild-growing fruit trees nearby.  And a river within walking distance, although I’d prefer to make sure that there aren’t any feral Water-types lurking around.  At least, once that we can’t catch and add to the group…” 

    Robert smiled, and hugged her. “I don’t know.  I’m kinda happy with just you and Molly.” 

    Alundra blushed.  “Yes, well, you do kinda have to have a full harem before you get your certification.” 

    Robert chuckled.  “True enough.  But that comes later.  I want to work on my wilderness survival, and I can’t think of a better expert than you.”

    Alundra blushed, feeling warmth growing between her legs, and wondered if they had time to relieve a few urges before they got to bedding down for the evening. 

    Naturally, at that particular moment, fate chose to intervene. 

    A bright flash of light illuminated the sky, followed by an armored figure appearing and falling through the air. 

    “What in the world…?” said Robert.

    “AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!” screamed the figure as it fell. 

    “He’s going to land in the river!” Alundra said.

    “C’mon, let’s check this out!” Robert said, bounding off into the forest.

    “Master, wait!” Alundra said.  She sighed wearily, recovered her combat knife, and ran after her master, hoping that her first instinct was wrong and that whatever had just appeared wasn’t dangerous.

    After a short sprint through the underbrush, Alundra came up behind her master, who was staring incredulously at the bearded figure in ornate-looking armor

    The man flailed about in the water, screaming and begging for help, claiming that he was drowning. 

    “Um… Buddy…?  That part of the river is shallow…” Robert said, scratching his head curiously as Alundra stared at the gaudily-armored figure curiously. 

    “It is?” said the figure, stopping his thrashing.  He looked around, realized that he was merely waist deep in the water, and blinks.  He quickly rung out his beard and raised his sword triumphantly.  “Another victory for LEEEEEEERROOOOOOYYYY JEEEEEEEENNKIIIIIIIIINSSSS!”

    Alundra just stared at him in disbelief.  Robert shivered, remembering why he had retired from the Capital League in the first place.  “Merciful gods, its Mr. Kennedy all over again…” he said, rubbing his temples. 

    Leeroy turned to Robert, intent on thanking him for the tip, when he stared.  To Leeroy’s eyes, he saw a very pale version of one of the Night Elves that had betrayed him earlier. 

    “So… back again to finish the job, eh?  And in such a horrible disguise, too.  Prepare to defend yourself, scoundrel!” he snarled, raising his sword and charging the startled Robert, “LEEEEEERROOOOOOYYY…”

    He didn’t get to finish his battle cry, as Alundra booted him in the face, knocking him out with a single kick. 

    “I’m getting too old for this shit…” muttered Robert. 

    “’Least I got chicken…” Leeroy muttered in his unconscious state.  He twitched slightly as Alundra kicked him again.

    “What do we do with him?” she asked.

    Robert sighed.  “Take him to the authorities, I guess.  With luck, we’ll never see him again.”

    Alundra frowned.  “Still, I guess that…” she stopped, sniffing the air. 

    Robert frowned.  “What is it?”

    Alundra shook her head.  “Well… Master, do you smell… mushrooms?”

    Robert frowned, looking around.  When he looked behind him, he paled visibly. 

    A tall, nude, well-built girl with pale-white skin was behind them, kneeling on the ground.  Instead of hair, adorning her head was a wide, mushroom-like cap.  Her eyes were wide, innocent, and curious.  And her breasts were larger than the rest of her body.

    “Oh CRAP…” Alundra muttered. 

    “AuPairSex… In full bloom…” Robert said, slowly backing away.

    “RUN!!!” Alundra said, grabbing Robert and leading him across the river. 

    As the two vanished into the shadows of the trees on the other side of the river, Leeroy slowly woke up, getting to his feet. 

    He looked at the mushroom girl, then at the two retreating forms, then back at the mushroom girl.  He snorted. 

    “Cowards.  Running from a hot chick just ‘cause she’s got humongous bazongas,” he said.  He removed his helmet and slicked back his hair, sauntering over to her.  “Hey babe, howzabout I show you why I’m called a ‘man of action?’”

    The feral AuPairSex just smiled at him curiously.  At which point she released her Spores in a gushing cloud right in Leeroy’s face. 

    Leeroy coughed, gagging as his body started to shrink and change, growing smaller as his hair retracted into his body.  The Spores sank completely into his skin, and he fell back into the water, shivering as his body glowed slightly, changing forms, his armor falling off of him. 

    From a nearby tree, Robert and Alundra watched the spectacle, silently grateful they had gotten out of the way in time.  Robert removed the second Pokéball from his belt and opened it, releasing a slender, blond-haired Airmaiden.

    She smiled up at her master and her Alpha.  “Master?  Why are you and Alundra in a tree?”

    Robert shook his head.  “Molly, I need you to take control of the air around the clearing and make it go UP.  Make sure none of the Spores are blown outward.” 

    The Airmaiden blinked.  “Spores?” she said, turning and noticing the AuPairSex, who was staring curiously at the figure writhing about in the water, her breasts having deflated to a much more normal size.  She eeped, nodding in understanding and held out her hands.  The air around the clearing swirled, the still loose Spores floating about caught up in it as it was blown into the air.  The AuPairSex looked up in surprise as she felt the air shift upwards, the grayish-black Spores floating up into the air and slowly fading. 

    “Is it safe now?” Alundra asked.

    Robert shook his head.  “I’d prefer to wait a few minutes.  Spores don’t last very long, especially in the open air.  And the one that got on the loudmouth’s armor should be nullified by the water as well.” 

    Molly sighed as she saw the last of the floating black specks move up into the sky.  “I think that’s it.” 

    “Good work, Molly,” Robert said, smiling down at her, “I’ll make sure you get a good reward tonight.”

    The Airmaiden blushed.  “Thank you, Master.”

    After about five minutes, Alundra and Robert jumped down from the tree, heading back into the clearing.  Leeroy was slowly coming too, the AuPairSex still looking at him curiously. 

    After a moment of thought, Robert pulled out an empty Pokéball and captured the AuPairSex. 

    “Master?” Molly asked, confused.  Alundra, however, got what he was planning immediately. 

    “Good thinking, Master,” she said, “After we get her sterilized and trained, she can help us with field cultivation.  Plus there’s also the bounty for bringing her in as well.”

    Robert nodded.  Molly was still doubtful though.  “She DID almost turn you into an AuPair, Master…”

    Robert snorted.  “You need to read Alundra’s field guide.  It ain’t like she did it on purpose, it’s just something that happens.”

    Alundra chuckled, ruffling the Airmaiden’s hair.  “You worry too much, Mol.  She’ll be fine, and I bet you’ll be best friends once she’s tame.”

    Alundra blushed and smiled.  “I guess so…”

    “Speaking of AuPairs…” Robert said.  The two Pokégirls turned, noticing Leeroy picking himself… or rather, herself… up out of the water. 

    Leeroy was now much smaller, and very female.  Her curved, mildly buxom body was a pale white, a mushroom-cap adorning her head like on the AuPairSex.  Her armor quite literally fell off of her body as she stood up, staring at herself in shocked horror.

    “Whu… no… this is… it can’t be, I…” she said.

    Robert scowled and threw another empty Pokéball at her.  As stunned as she was from her sudden transformation, she didn’t resist as the capture beam took hold of her.  The Pokéball blinked once then stabilized, floating down the river back to Robert. 

    Alundra smirked.  “And what do you plan to do with HER?”

    Robert grimaced.  “I’m gonna Level 5 her and sell her.  Ain’t no way in Hell I’m sticking my dick in that loudmouth.” 

    Molly and Alundra giggled.  Robert smirked, and picked up a piece of the armor, the Spore now washed off of it.  “As for this junk… Once we get it cleaned up, we could probably make a quick buck selling it.  There’s bound to be someone interested in this sort of thing,” he said, tossing the shoulder-piece he was holding up onto the bank.  He picked up the sword, admiring it.  “I may keep the weapon, though… It’s pretty nice, seems pretty durable and if nothing else it may come in handy while we’re out here on survival training…”

    Alundra chuckled.  “So much for Leeroy Jenkins.” 

    Robert rolled his eyes.  “If I never hear that name again, it’ll be too soon.  Now c’mon, girls.  Help me gather this junk back up so we can get to town.  We’ve got some quick cash to make and an AuPairSex to add to the group.”

===The End===